For most of my life I've been shrouded in negativity. It's become a comfortable place for me, the thought of anything positive in my life can be a scary thought. I wish that it wasn't this way, and I've been making real progress in a different direction. These things take time. It's one thing that I realize, but wish that it could happen quicker than it has. I've worked so hard over the last few years to really better myself, and I'm not there yet, but I know that one day, soon, I will be.
Most of the things I write about tend to be more on the negative side, and I'm sorry to anyone reading this about that. I tend to find more motivation or inspiration when I'm feeling down, but I've been trying to harder to keep an eye on the more positive things in my life, and that's what I want to write about today. I don't know why, but I've just felt the need to really write about something other than the bad things in my life, I think it's important.
I think some background information may be good here. I've had a strange life, like many others out there - hell, we all have. For a long time I found comfort in my depression, it's been a part of me for so long. For the first time in my life I've been fighting it. I don't do that well at times, and I still have my pitfalls, but I'm fighting. There was a time in my life that I was sure I wouldn't make it through another year, and I really didn't want to. I never thought anything, or anyone, would turn that around for me, and the reason I put it on something else or someone else is because I didn't have the strength to keep going myself.
When I was 19 I adopted a cat, her name is Eevee. She was my saving grace. I'd never had anything rely on me before, that gave me some sense of purpose, that gave me the idea that if something were to happen to me what would happen to her? I wasn't ready to face that. Seven years ago my best friend committed suicide, and it was one of the hardest times of my life. I was young, and I was scared. I shut everyone out and that was the wrong thing to do, I know that now. Hindsight is 20/20, though. In retrospect, I really wish I would have allowed myself to feel it back then, instead of shutting down. I've held onto it for so long, and I dearly miss him. There's this part of me that always knew, deep down, that I wasn't handling the situation as well as I could have. I do wish he were still alive, but he's not. And every subsequent death that's occured in my life has not hit as hard as that one did. It shook my entire world. I've never really talked too much about it; here and there it's been brought up, but it's something I've kept to myself. I keep a lot to myself, which, in turn, puts a lot on my own shoulders. It has a lot to do with my self worth, and that's been a hard road to travel.
It truly is no ones fault but my own. I've reached a point in my life that I realize that there's a lot of changes I need to make in my mind. As I've written about a little before, I ended up meeting someone who has been a tremendous help in my life. In the time we've talked, I've made some real progress into the right direction. As I said before, I'm not quite there yet, but I'm getting there. As each time passes, I can see more clearly what my issues are. Sometimes I really don't know, but I'm opening up a little more. It's hard for me to do, though. I've gotten used to handling myself by myself. But, I often ask myself, or maybe fight myself, what sort of existence is that? I don't think I'll ever be a person that needs a lot of people around me, but I know who I do want around me. I've come much too far in my life to just give it all up. There's a bigger part of me that's tired of living with so much pressure on myself, all the negativity, all the bad things, not being able to let the past die. For me, I need to just bury the hatchet and move on. It's not easy, though. We only know the past and the present, no one knows what the future is going to hold, but I have to stop letting that stop me. I can't go back, and I don't want to. I look back on the last ten years, and even though it's been hard, I went through all of those things and I survived. I'm still here, and I'm going to continue to still be here. I will fight through these things that I deal with and find my light, so to speak.
Things always seem to get to be the hardest right before a break through, and I realize I've finally come to a place in my life that I'm finally ready to go to the next point in my life. Leave all these things in the past where they belong. I think at some level there was a part of me that just felt guilty. Guilty about moving on from such a dear friend. Guilty about the things I've done. Guilty about the way I've treated people. But the bottom line is, Timmy is gone. I'm not the same person I was even a year ago. I've pushed through a lot, and I'm still here, I'm still going. Life is tough, and there will always be curve balls that happen, things we'd never expect. What the future holds will remain a mystery until it happens. Things will change, and sometimes in an instant. Not all change is a bad thing, I learned that from someone very close to me.
I look back on my last years and the amount of progress I've made has been monumental. I've come from an out of control, mentally and emotionally unstable person to who I am today. I understand that I'll always have to fight to keep going, but even in the last nine months, the amount of progress I've made has been huge. Whenever I start to feel down, I sort of just allow it to happen. I think, on some level, I know that it's happening. When that happens I need to remind myself how bad it feels to be in that place, so that the happy times can last a little bit longer. I may never be able to get off this rollercoaster, but I'll be damned if, from here on out, I don't enjoy the ride.
Not only do I realize I need to make some changes, I want to - for the first time. It's all so foreign to me, and that makes it difficult at times. It's shaking my whole foundation of my life, but if I give up where will that land me? I'll end up alone. Completely and utterly alone. I can always try and convince myself that it's easier, better, but deep down inside I'll always know that it's not what I wanted for myself. I'm finally ready to move on, and I can't sit here and say that it's not scary. But you don't grow if you're in your comfort zone, that's something I learned at Cross Creek. I'm ready to start taking steps to what I want, and I won't let anything stop me from achieving it. I refuse to give up at this point, I can't. I have too many good things happening right now to just roll over and die.
I know that it's going to be a difficult road ahead of me, but one day I'll have some peace of mind. One day, very soon, I'll achieve what I want out of life, and I might not have it all figured out at this second, but life has a funny way of having things fall into place. I want to make sure that no matter what happens, I can keep my mind on something positive. There's been so much that's happened, but there's even more that will happen in the future. I know some will be bad, some will be good, but either way because of what I've been through already, I know I'm more than capable of making it through more. I'm prepared. If anything my past has taught me is that my will to live is strong. I may not be a strong person, but I'm tenacious, and I'm resilient.
My brother put it the best when he told me, 'It's like your brain went through an accident and you're trying to get back to who you were, but you need to be who you are.'. He's right when he says that. I think I've been trying so hard to become who I used to be, but I can't. I'm not that person anymore. I'm a different person, a better person, someone that I want to see grow more and have the ability to be a good person. I think that's one of the hardest concepts I've had to come to grips with. Learning how to be who I am, instead of who I was. I know if I was who I used to be, things wouldn't be the same now. I never would have met this one person, I'd probably be in a worse spot than I am now.
I can say that I'm happy to have this person in my life. They have been such a help to my recovery. And it's strange how so many things, so many seemingly insignificant and significant choices can lead to being at the right place at the right time. To have someone that just looks past all the things you've done, and accepts you wholeheartedly for who you are is such a sought after thing. I didn't realize that it's what I wanted until I actually found it. I won't divulge too much for their sake, but just know that they will remain a big part of my life, and I'm hoping for a long term thing.
Overall, I'm ready to take the next step. I'm ready to stop letting myself get in the way of truly being happy, as scary as that can be. Coping, floating, I will find peace somewhere.