Floating in the dark

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I set out today wanting to write something of real substance, but to be truthful, there's so many things going through my head that it will probably be more nonsensical than anything else.

I don't even really know where to begin. I just feel strange, I guess. It's this strange mixture of a lot of different emotions, and I have been feeling myself just shutting down still. I don't want to shut down, though, that's the thing.

I'm not sure what sprung all this on. A week or so ago I was feeling really good, maybe too good. Seems like whenever I feel good, I will crash equally as hard. So if I feel really good, I'll crash really hard. But that's not fair, is it? I know that life isn't fair by any sense of the word, but I don't know why it happens. I do, but I just don't understand why. I don't think I ever will. That sucks, though. And it drives me crazy because I want so desperately to understand it. To understand myself at a deeper level. Why am I the way that I am? How can I stop it from happening? I realize that this will be a battle I have with myself for probably a majority of my life, but it's not fair to the people around me. I know that there are ones out there that want to help, my family, people I'm close with. But how do I ask for help when I don't even know what I need help with?

Years ago, these things were much worse, so I guess I should celebrate in the fact that regardless of how I feel at this moment, I've made some progress. But it just doesn't feel like I really have. Honestly, whenever these things happen I just feel like a stupid teenager again, not able to be in control of my emotions. There are sporadic moments that I start to feel okay again, but it's so brief that when I start feeling down again, I don't know if it was even real. That's such a stupid feeling.

I just want to talk about whatever it is that's bothering me, but I truthfully don't even know. Since that's the case, I don't even know where to start. There's only one person, aside from my therapist, that I trust to talk about any of this stuff with, but I don't even know how to say anything right now. It's stupid. And it feels like I'm traversing through this time in my life in the dark. Just floating there. Nothing around me, nothing in me, nothing. Just nothing. Whenever this happens, it usually leaves as quickly as it comes on, but this is lasting longer than normal. I don't want to go through another week feeling like this, I don't want to go another day feeling like this. I don't know what to do here. I don't know how to ask for help. I don't know how to even be helped. I don't know what I'm doing, and it's truthfully terrifying.

I'm feeling very low about myself. I'm feeling very insecure. I don't know what I'm feeling insecure about, though. I guess it's a mixture of everything. I don't feel like anything I do matters, and maybe that's part of it. But this is the same shit that I deal with on such a regular basis, ever since I was a teenager. It's getting really old. Really fucking old. Because all I want is to be happy. To feel okay. To feel stable. To feel something other than self loathing and apathy. And when this is all done, I'll feel a little less low about myself, but then what? I'll fall right back into this eventually, and maybe that's why I have such a hard time allowing myself to feel anything. It's so dumb. I feel so stupid because of it. Pathetic, is maybe a better word.

The worst part of it? I feel so alone right now. I feel alone a lot of the time. I feel alone in dealing with this. The thing is, though, I isolate myself so I do deal with it on my own. I don't involve people in it. I don't want to bring anyone else down with me. The fact that any of this affects anyone around me really makes me feel worse. I don't know. I don't want to feel so alone. I wish I could just take the leap off this metaphorical ledge and trust that the people in my life aren't going to leave because of this. I know that if they do, they're not worth it, but it's so scary to give that sort of power to someone. It's this thing that I allow to happen, and when I get scared I pull back. I think that's sort of natural, but sometimes I feel so hot and cold I can't even imagine being the person who receives that from me.

I think more than anything at this point in my life, the thing I want to feel the most is some form of stability. Some break from all of this. But I think the more I strive after it, the more I can't do it. I believe the reason for that is because I'm so hyper focused on it, that it's just cancelling out. I don't know, though. It's so hard to just let go. It's hard to let go of everything I've known for most of my life. These mood swings have been there for so long, it's honestly sort of scary to think of a life that they weren't as frequent or deep. Maybe that's part of my problem. I've found some comfort in it all - I'm just used to it. But just getting my mind to shut the fuck up for 10 seconds would be nice. To just have everything stop for a moment so I could collect myself and figure out what exactly it is that even triggered it. There's always some sort of trigger, but what is it? I have no idea. I want to figure it out, but maybe I won't. There's a part of me that wants to figure it out, a really big part, but maybe I just have to let it go and teach myself to understand that not everything is meant to be figured out.

Whatever is going on, better stop soon. I don't want to keep going like this. It's frustrating and I think that's part of what keeps me here in this mind set, feeling so frustrated about the whole thing. I don't know how to stop. And when it does stop, eventually on its own, I won't even think about it until it comes up again.

I don't know what I'm doing right now. I just want to feel okay.