It's been a bit since I've written anything, I was planning on this being a daily thing, but clearly I have trouble having the discipline to actually do that.
Recently things have taken a turn for the worst with my moods. It's really driving me crazy. I hate it. I hate feeling so...shitty...all the time. I just want to go back to a week or two ago. Everything felt better, I was laughing more, I was smiling more, I was getting along with the people in my life better. Things just were easier. But, unfortunately, that's the thing about life. You can't go back. I'll have to ride this wave until it's done, and that sucks, but that's just life.
Emotions are something that have always felt so foreign to me, which is strange because of the bipolar disorder. I've always felt things way too deeply, much more so than they need to be. My emotional capacity is so heavy that I hit a point in my teenage years that I just started to ignore it. That obviously was not a healthy choice, but I also couldn't handle it. I really wish I hadn't done that, though. Because now at 25, I'm not equipped to handle the emotions that I have. When they arise, I just find myself not knowing what to do and I shut down. I not only shut down, but shut people out as well. I can't imagine being on the receiving end of that. I wouldn't like myself very much if that were the case, in fact I don't like myself very much to begin with.
I think a big thing that I deal with is just feeling misunderstood. I think at some fundamental level, every human out there wants to be understood. And unfortunately a big part of life is not really being understood. And the reason for that is because everyone is so different, we have these people in our lives that can understand to a certain degree, but at the end of the day we are the ones that are dealing with what we deal with. It's like this line from a song that I like, 'You live the life you're given with the storms outside'. And that always stuck out to me for this reason. We all go through these weird things, and we've all had weird and bad times in our lives. But, there's nothing else you can do but deal with them.
Life is such a strange thing, and I always just wanted to feel like I belonged; that I was understood. I wouldn't say that I've been exclusively searching for it, but at a core level I've always just craved it. I don't feel that from my family so much, I don't really feel like I belong. That's a really hard feeling. Every therapist I've ever seen has told me that a big part of it is because of my adoption. I wouldn't doubt that. That has affected a large area of my life. I wish that it didn't.
I guess why I write is because I have never been good at expressing myself in spoken word. I end up rambling about things that aren't relevant. Writing has always been somewhat of an outlet for me, but I'm not that great at it. Especially considering every blog I've ever had has focused so primarily on negativity. I don't like being so negative. Writing is just some way to get these stupid thoughts out of my head, I guess. Does it help? Not at all. When I finish this, it's still going to be there. I never know how long these mood swings will last. But, the thing is with them is that when I'm feeling good everyone is so surprised, because my default state seems to just be in this low part. I don't know what is going to be the saving grace for some peace of mind. I have no idea why I'm able to write so tangibly, but when I talk I just can't formulate anything that makes sense. It's just the same old shit over and over again.
Today was just harder than normal, I guess. I spent a lot of today crying by myself, and I just feel so alone. I don't want to feel that way, because being alone has been a big part of my life. Don't get me wrong, I've made it that way. I've chosen to live a life away from people. I've just never really been one for people. I've been told that if I get myself out there I'll enjoy it more, and I have tried that, but the bottom line is that I'm very introverted.
I try not to get too personal in these types of things, I am a pretty private person. There's plenty of other things on my mind right now, but for my own sake, I'll keep those things to myself. If you've made it this far, thank you for reading. My only hope is that if you have somehow stumbled across this and you're feeling similar, remember that even though it feels like it (for myself as well) you aren't alone in it.