I suppose I should introduce myself, and what this is aiming to be about. I go by 'anakin' or 'anak1n' on the internet, depending on who you talk to. I've always liked to write things, and keeping a blog helps me sort of keep everything in check mentally. It's not always the most helpful thing, as I sometimes just spew out a bunch of negative bullshit, and then end up feeling worse afterward, but most of the time it can be a therapeutic experience.
The aim of this is to, I guess, chronicle my day-to-day life with my mental health. I can't say that it will always be pleasant to read, or that I'll follow some sort of structure. Truth be told, I don't really have a planned structure for the whole thing. I just plan to do what I've always done which is to write sort of blindly. I don't really think much on what I talk about most of the time, as it tends to flow a bit better when I don't. This, of course, becomes somewhat of a hassle because there have been plenty of times where I've lost plenty of well-written things due to server crashes or otherwise.
So, to get to know me a little better. I suffer from bipolar (2) disorder, and some anxiety issues. It's not a lot of fun, but it has it's ups and downs. I tend to make a lot of jokes about it, because it helps me remain in control, instead of it controlling me. I've found that before I started doing that, I was giving the issue way too much power over me, when realistically I needed to take control of it. It's by no means an easy task, but I've managed to get it (somewhat) under control over the last few years. It's been a strange journey, but here I am, 25 years into life.
Other than that, I love computers, well, servers mostly. I've always found it to be fascinating and dedicated quite a bit of time to it. So, you may see some of that here, but I'm trying to keep this a little separate from anything Linux related. I may make a different blog for that, as I do love to write about it. I'll figure it all out in due time.
I hope that this will be a helpful thing for me, as my health insurance is going to be up and I will not be able to go see my therapist anymore. It sucks, but that's just life sometimes. I'm hoping that just by getting out some of the things I deal with on a day-to-day basis, it will (not entirely) take place of what I'd normally speak with my therapist. Of course, not everything, but some things. I do like to keep things a little more private. Either way, I'm just hoping that it will be a helpful thing, because writing has always been somewhat of a passion of mine, but as of late I've been really slacking off with it. It's been well over 3 months since I've made a post on anything. I'm hoping that by sticking to somewhat of a schedule, or at least making sure I post something, every day will help keep my mind from going into a rut. That tends to happen quite a bit.
As of right now, I can only say that I'm feeling very empty. It happens from time to time, and I hate it. It feels like this mixture between 'nothing matters' and 'who cares'. It's such a strange feeling. Whenever it does happen, I tend to isolate myself a lot more. I get less talkative, and probably sound more annoyed than usual. When in actuality, I'm not annoyed at all, but rather just...empty. Things that generally make me happy, feel so foreign to me. And it's like, my mind tries to catch up and fill in the void, but it can't. I know that it's temporary, which is the only thing I can find solace in when I feel like this. And I have someone in my life that helps, just listening to her, or talking to her, is always helpful. For her sake, I won't divulge too much, but she's a very big part of my life and I'm very lucky for that.
Aside from all of that, I'm just trying to make it through the day. I'm going to try and get a little sleep and hope when I wake up I'm not feeling so empty anymore.